WAA - Blitz: The League

Posting has been sparse here lately, but work has been keeping me busy. Still, I can't let a Wednesday slide by without some Achievement awards.

This week I'm handing out WAA to one of my all-time most hated Xbox 360 games - Blitz: The League. I had some (decidedly uncharitable) comments about Blitz in a prior mini-review, but let me reiterate what a turd of a game this is. It has terrible controls, it's riddled with glitches, and it features some of the dumbest AI I've ever encountered. But hey, at least it's built on a solid foundation of toilet humor and shitty graphics.

Still, can it at least appeal to Achievement fans? Read on to find out! (hint: NO)

The "One With Combat"Award: “Sticky Fingers”
For this one, you need to gain 200 receiving yards in a game with one of your players. If you play through season mode, I guarantee you'll get this because Blitz is all about the passing game. Running is not an effective strategy, particularly once you join the higher Divisions. Just continue to air it out when you have possession and this award is yours.

The "Mile High Club" Award: “Bling Bling”
I can't believe this one is only worth 25 points. To get this award, you have to buy every piece of bonus equipment in the game. To do that, you first need to unlock all the bonus gear by completing every secondary challenge throughout the campaign (if you miss a single one, forget it) and then you need to somehow accumulate over 3 million in cash just to afford it all. For 25 points? It's definitely not worth it.

The "Seriously..." Award: "Pwnage"
Winning 25 online games doesn't sound that bad, right? Well let me set you straight. First of all, this game is ancient and terrible, so nobody plays it online. Also the online servers are so unstable that you'll be dropped before completing a game unless your opponent is very close by...possibly even in the same household. Unfortunately, asking someone with whom you live to play Blitz just so you can get some Achievements is the moral equivalent of domestic abuse, so I wouldn't advise it.

The "Little Rocket Man" Award: "Tables Turn"
This one is a spoiler but it's actually kind of clever, so I'll use it anyway. Once you hit Division One (the toughest league), a Lawrence Taylor look-alike named Quentin Sands will purposely injure your star player in the first game of the season, forcing you to go without him for much of the year. In the championship game, you will face off against Quentin's team. To get this Achievement, you have to use your rookie to injure Sands and get your revenge.

The Scientist Gone Gamer Award: "Blind"
Blitz uses negative Achievements - i.e. awards for doing something wrong. They're like badges of shame, though I just find them to be annoying. All that said, Blitz does feature some interesting icons, particularly for the negative awards. Throw five or more interceptions in a game and you can pick up this little gem.

Achievement Set Rating - 5
This set covers a wide variety of goals, plus features above average icons and Achievement titles. However, there's a bunch of negative awards and the set is a serious grind. Throw in the awards that focus on the broken online play and I can't call this anything better than an average list.

Achievement Difficulty Rating - 9
Some of the Achievements are difficult, but it's the sheer time commitment that clinches this score. Win a game with every team? Play through season mode three times? Win a bunch of online games while battling their glitchy servers? I don't know how anyone could stomach that much Blitz.

Time for some mini-reviews!

My gaming pattern is a bit like a dinner table set for a big meal. I have one or two long-term titles that I'm working through to serve as the main dishes. But I also usually have a few side dishes to munch on as well, represented by shorter retail games or Live Arcade titles. I rarely give these "side dishes" as much mention on the blog, because they come and go pretty quickly (sometimes just in the span of a weekend). Still, it's probably worthwhile to mention some of the smaller games I've played through just so people can get a feel for what's out there.

In that spirit, here are three retail games that I've knocked out in the last couple weeks. I'll have more to say about the main courses (Dante's Inferno and Viking: Battle for Asgard) soon.

Disney's Up
Yes, this game is based on the Pixar film of the same title. I didn't see the movie, but I gathered most of the (very basic) plot from the game. Let's just say that I wasn't exactly inspired to rush out and get my hands on a copy of the DVD. Anyway, Up is a pretty crappy game for all the typical reasons that movie licensed games usually fail.

First of all, it's based on a movie with a lot more spectacle than action, so the designers didn't have a lot on which to base the gameplay. Think of it like this: if you're making a game based on the next Terminator movie, then even if the film stinks the game could be great because they can just make it about blasting Terminators. On the flip side, Shawshank Redemption might be a great movie but there isn't enough action to carry a video game.

So what you get with Up is an uninspired and highly repetitive platformer with very little action. Plus it's crazy short. And they use the whole "aimed at kids" excuse to make it stupidly easy. This one is not even worth a rental, unless you're in it for the easy Achievement points.

LOST: Via Domus
From one crappy licensed game to another, this title is based on the inexplicably popular Lost franchise. I'm not a fan of the show...four episodes was sufficient to recognize that it's one of those programs where the writers think "throw a bunch of random shit into the script and then let the fans guess what it all means" is the moral equivalent of being clever.

And no surprises, the game is basically the same thing. You play as a crash survivor who has amnesia (what a fresh, original concept) and must piece together his own backstory as he tries to cope with challenges on the island. Along the way you'll get to interact with all your favorite characters, including Kate, Hurley, Locke, and Jack (don't forget to remind him that HE HAS CANCER).














Again, this is a show that's about character-driven tension (and random shit), not really about action. Thus, the game is mostly a lot of walking around the island taking pictures of stuff from the show. And be thankful that's the case, because the few action sequences are hideously designed so that they represent more of a chore than actual gameplay. Special mention goes to the section where the stupid smoke monster is stalking you through the woods so you have to jump into bamboo patches every few steps. Man did I enjoy that. But you know what's even better? Unskippable cutscenes that I have to watch over and over every damn time the game decides it'd be fun to insta-kill me.

Fortunately, Lost is mercifully short (well under 5 hours) and there's not one bit of replay value so you can have it in and out of your gaming rotation in a lazy afternoon.

Blitz: The League

Okay, I'm starting to realize why I never mention these side dish games - more often than not, they're awful. Blitz isn't a licensed game, but that doesn't stop it from being the worst of the trio. The basic premise is that Blitz is supposed to represent the seedy underbelly of professional football. It's like The Replacements mixed with Any Given Sunday, then directed by Quentin Tarantino. Players engage in brutal dirty hits, the cheerleaders look like strippers, and steroid use isn't just allowed but encouraged. Note in the picture that the trainer is so unperturbed about his "treatment" methods that he doesn't even mind being filmed for the Jumbotron in front of a packed stadium. Sheesh...

Now, I'm no prude, and I think that done properly the game could have been a lot of fun. You know, some tongue-in-cheek humor mixed with a hard-hitting football engine...that could have worked. But Blitz is a turd, plain and simple. The football engine is just terrible, the AI is completely brain dead, and the whole production is riddled with bugs and glitches. On top of that, the attempts at humor are so juvenile, I can't imagine anyone over the age of 14 enjoying this stuff. Frankly, it's repellent.

There are a number of football games available on the 360...Blitz is not worth a moment of anyone's time. That includes the Achievement fans out there, because it's even pretty brutal in that regard.

Ouch, that was painful. Hopefully I'll have some better games to mention for the next batch of mini-reviews!