Thursday, October 15, 2009

Resident Evil 5: Plot Spoilers

There isn't much plot to RE5, but what's there is pretty dumb. Here are some of my beefs with the story, which obviously contain spoilers:

- Okay, you're an evil corporation that's conducting secret research in Africa. There are some flowers that you need for their DNA mutating purposes (odd, but I'll go with it). They grow in a specific series of caves. Now if you're not an idiot, you put your base somewhere near the site and go to collect flower virus samples to study. Or if you absolutely insist on putting the base in the cave near the flowers (Why? The virus seems perfectly stable in an ordinary syringe), then you'd dig or construct a convenient entrance to the surface, right? Well not this evil corporation. For access to their secret base, the bad guys decided it would be more convenient to use an ancient underground temple complete with monsters, death traps, and doors that can only be opened by two people working in concert. There's all kinds of stone pillars and staircases that move around (how exactly?), and even a series of mirror puzzles used to power some kind of prehistoric African elevator (???). How the Hell did they set up their super-futuristic base in such a remote spot? How did they even get the materials through all these traps? The whole thing doesn't make any sense. One minute I'm walking around what looks like an Aztec ruin (in Africa?), and the next I'm standing in a room full of computers and cryopods.

- I would love to take a look at the Umbrella Corporation books. These guys must be worse with money than the entire US banking system put together. What exactly is their business plan here?

Step One: Build a REALLY fancy, hi-tech facility in a REALLY remote location.
Step Two: Mutate a bunch of people and creatures into various kinds of monsters (on purpose).
Step Three: Cackle with glee as the whole thing turns into a giant clusterfuck.
Step Four: ???
Step Five: Profit

You can find documents that mention nebulous "military contracts" while playing through the game, as if the military has a lot of use for a virus that turns people into mindless, unstoppable monsters. Let's just say that if I was on the Umbrella Corp. Board of Directors, I'd be selling my stock as fast as I could.

- Excella...this character makes no sense to me. I'm rich, I'm beautiful, I'm powerful, and I can pretty much have anything in the world. So what do I do? Give all my money to a mutated lunatic, purposely infect myself with a highly unpredictable mutation virus, and then follow him through a series of dank African caves to do his bidding until he betrays me. Hey Excella, you do realize you could retire to a tropical island and pay a dozen guys better looking than our villain to worship you like a goddess for a fraction of the cost of this idiotic plan, right?

- As for the main bad guy's scheme, this whole "I'm going to destroy the world and rule over what's left of it" plan has been done a million times, and it's ALWAYS stupid. Never once does he give a reasonable justification for his actions. At one point he claims that people constantly battle against each other, so their time is done (I'm paraphrasing here). So turning them all into hyper-violent zombies is exactly? Gosh, I'm sure he can hardly wait to be the unquestioned lord and master of the decaying ruins of human civilization. Again, he's already got money and power, plus mutant abilities that put him pretty far beyond prosecution for most any crime. Why wreck the place up? How does he know some of the new mutants won't be even stronger than he is, and not particularly amenable to his rule?

- One final note to Capcom: LAVA IS HOT. Crash-landing in a volcano means instant death, not sweet boss fight. And anything I can hurt with bullets will be right-fucked if it's submerged in molten rock (actually biological material would float on lava since it's less dense...if it didn't incinerate instantly, that is).

However, I did get a laugh watching Chris Redfield punch a giant boulder into position. I guess that's why he needed those giant muscles.

1 comment:

  1. As a plot line what is more common and/or more stupid? I am going to destroy the world and rule over what's left or I am going to become the most powerful being on earth and rule over what's already on the menu?

    And while we're at it, what exactly is the point of ruling the whole world? What does one get from this? An overwhelming sense of satisfaction? Cuz as I see it you can get more than you'll ever need, buy people to worship you and take milk baths every day for a great deal less trouble than taking over the world...and cheaper...and less likely to antagonize video game protagonists.

    haha, right-fucked! excellent description of what should happen in a lava pit.